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Quick Inside Slant: Week 16

Impressions of the 2012 NFL Season as perceived by a Creative Writing graduate student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend.

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By: Dustin Fisher

belichickTwas the week before Christmas and all through the league,
The playoffs were looming, the fans were intrigued.
The good teams were prepping their final two games
While Sanchez and Rex just took turns taking blame.

Seven teams can breathe now; they’re into the show,
Including the Ravens with three L’s in a row.
Joining Bill and his hoodie; Jim Harbaugh and his crap
While Andy Reid settles for a long winter nap.

When out in the East, came a new kind of song,
So I sprang to the standings to see what was wrong.
Miami was woeful; Buffalo too
And the Jets were still sucking so that wasn’t new.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the Skins and the Cowboys competing this year!
The NFC East is completely reversed
With these two avid losers competing for first.

KaepernickThe playoff sleigh still had room for five more.
Even the Rams still had their foot in the door.
So Roger Goodell, with his hand on the reigns,
Called his reindeer who had some familiar names.

“Now, Brady! Now, Peyton! Now Flacco and Eli!
On Ryan! On Kapernick. Wait, who the hell’s that guy?
Not you, Brees. Let go!” and with a turn of his head,
He left Brees in the cold, peeing on his sled.

On his way ‘cross the north, he checked in on the Bears,
Only to find them caught in these large Viking snares.
This late in the year, tis a chill you can feel
But not really because global warming is real.

To the west where he gave the Seahawks a small nod
To remind them of Week Three’s Immaculate Fraud.
Then flew passed Denver and just about cried
For the other three teams on the AFC side.

And around through the south to congratulate Chuck
For having the skills to get the team Luck.
And he flew further south to the sound of complaints.
Twas his old buddy Drew and the rest of the Saints.

“We know what you are, you power-hungry fool!
You ruined our season and that’s just not cool!”
So Mr. Goodell, exposed for his conceit,
Fined them for loitering out in the street.

With all 32 children tucked in for the night,
There are still two more weeks for some teams to get right.
This league is so thrilling with so much to like,
I barely just noticed that hockey’s on strike.

There are still five more gifts for Goodell to expend,
Assuming, of course, that the world doesn’t end.
But I heard him exclaim as he reached for his keys,
“Merry playoffs to all! Except for you, Brees.”

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Dustin Fisher is an amateur standup comedian, storyteller, freelance writer, and stay-at-home dad, all of which are just better ways of saying “unemployed.” He worked in the area of collegiate recreation for the previous 14 years at UMBC, Miami University and the University of Baltimore. There, he became somewhat of a folk legend on the flag football field and actually got paid to play fantasy football. Dustin is currently in the MFA program at the University of Baltimore seeking a Masters degree in Creative Writing. He has made contributions to various publications including The Good Men Project and the Baltimore Fishbowl. For more about Dustin, check out his stay-at-home dad website, Daddy Needs a Nap. Dustin lives with his wife and daughter in New Carrollton, MD in a house surrounded by too many trees to get the Dish Network.

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