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Quick Inside Slant: The Superbowl

By: Dustin Fisher

harbaugh family

Apparently, if you lead your team in tackles and thank God for everything, you’re allowed to use banned substances and stab people and fans will forgive you. Oh, and who had Bernard Pollard as the first person to say something stupid during Superbowl week? Congratulations. You win.

First of all, congratulations to Jack and Jackie for breeding not just one, but two Superbowl coaches. It’s a strange niche, but if you’re going to be good at something, be good at it. The over/under on cutaways of them during the Superbowl is only 1.5. Unless they’re hiding in the basement of the Superdome, it would be free money to take the over. In fact, for those betting men and women among you, I’ll help you become a millionaire my Monday. But I expect a cut.

Will Alicia Keys add a word to the National Anthem? Now you’re not getting good odds, but it’s worth the 3 for 1 payout to bet that a professional singer DOES NOT add words to the American National Anthem. What the heck is she gonna add? “The bombs bursting in air. Like my new album, Girl On Fire, on sale at your local Walmart…” She’d probably sooner have Justin Timberlake come on stage and flash you her nipple.

How long will the National Anthem take? Over/Under 2:15: Last year, Kelly Clarkson took 1:34. If Kelly was driving the song at 60 mph, this would mean Alicia would have to slow it down to under 42 mph. People would be honking their horn and giving her the finger as they passed her. Take the under at even money.

Will Alicia Keys be booed after the anthem? Ridiculous. Unless she adds a few words and goes over 2:15. But at 5 to 1, it’s not worth the bet. The JumboTron could accidentally cut away to Roger Goodell and then all your money is gone.

Will Beyonce lip sync the halftime show? OK. How is this NOT a prop bet? I’m giving out even money if you feel like shooting me an email.

How long will the post-game handshake take? Over/Under 7.5 seconds: Jim seems, regardless of who he’s related to, like he’s a sore loser. If you passionately believe the Ravens are going to win, take the under. If not, you’re on your own.

The team that scores first will win the game: Despite the odds against it, I’d put up $2 to win $3, considering both teams found themselves in relatively deep holes in their respective championship games.

How many times will “Harbaugh” be said during the game? Over/Under 20.5: Go ahead and build your house on the over.

Coin toss (even money): Last year was heads, so this year is more likely to be tails. If you believe that, you should probably never make any bets on anything ever again.

Superbowl Prediction

If karma plays any role here, put your money on the Ravens. It’s Ray’s last ride and that “Art” patch on their uniform speaks loudly of purpose. And what karma do the 49ers have on their side? They benched their starting quarterback after a 6-2 start with a 104.1 passer rating all because he followed the concussion protocols the sport has in place to help protect your brain. But nobody on their team allegedly drank deer urine to help their performance. Besides, if karma had anything to do with the outcome, there’s no way the Niners would be here. Advantage: Ravens

Skill would probably lean toward San Fran, player by player. But the Ravens haven’t gotten this far using skill so they probably don’t care. They needed to have a rainbow fall out of the sky to get passed the Broncos. Advantage: Niners

A New Jersey camel that has predicted seven of the last eight Superbowls has picked the Ravens. A computer that has gotten seven of the last nine correct has picked the Niners. Technically, the camel has a better record than the computer. But who do you trust more? A computer that has uploaded stats from all the NFL games this year and has run the game 50,000 times or a graham cracker-eating camel? I’ve always been more of a camel guy. Advantage: Ravens

If I were a betting man, I’d put my money on San Fran. A very small amount of money. And if my predictions came true, both these teams would have lost three weeks ago. Oops. This bodes well for the Ravens. And if the Ravens win and Ray Lewis gives his typical post-game “Nobody gave us a chance” speech, I’ll feel honored being a part of that.

Other Superbowl Predictions:

  • At least 6 people at the party I attend will say they only watch the game for the commercials.
  • Jim Nantz will bring up how Flacco wants to be considered elite and Phil Simms will correctly say how stupid it is that we’re arguing about this.
  • My skyline chili dip will be the favorite food item of eight people the party.
  • The terms “Harbowl” and “SuperBaugh and “Harbaugh Bowl” will be said 11,627 times in the pregame coverage.
  • I will have to buy at least 60 squares again to make the board even again.
  • After every Kaepernick run of over 10 yards, CBS will show a cutaway of Alex Smith.
  • Mabel will get tired and we’ll have to leave at halftime.
  • I will get upset with at least two people who clearly don’t know football and try to pretend to for one day a year.
    • Note: One of them may be my wife.
    • Other note: I won’t be invited back next year.
      • But they will ask for my chili recipe.
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Dustin Fisher is an amateur standup comedian, storyteller, freelance writer, and stay-at-home dad, all of which are just better ways of saying “unemployed.” He worked in the area of collegiate recreation for the previous 14 years at UMBC, Miami University and the University of Baltimore. There, he became somewhat of a folk legend on the flag football field and actually got paid to play fantasy football. Dustin is currently in the MFA program at the University of Baltimore seeking a Masters degree in Creative Writing. He has made contributions to various publications including The Good Men Project and the Baltimore Fishbowl. For more about Dustin, check out his stay-at-home dad website, Daddy Needs a Nap. Dustin lives with his wife and daughter in New Carrollton, MD in a house surrounded by too many trees to get the Dish Network.

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