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Quick Inside Slant: Week 2

Impressions of the 2015 NFL Season as perceived by a Creative Writing graduate student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend.

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By: Dustin Fisher

Sorry for the late article, but as an Eagles fan, I just want to go sit in the closet and wait for it all to be over.

I deserve this. This is my penance for watching too many preseason games. I should know better. But DAMN! There are some good teams out there – or at least some popular preseason Superbowl picks – that are winless right now.

The Eagles

Eagles

The other starting quarterbacks in the NFC East are Brandon Weeden, Kirk Cousins, and the collapsible Eli Manning. Two career backups and the other one is Eli Manning. This should be an easy division to win for the great Sam Bradford. But instead, I’m looking ahead in the schedule to find that game that we can win to avoid an 0-16 season (Week 11 – the Buccaneers in Philly). Sure, we all thought Chip was crazy when he let go of all his good players. But hey, it’s Chip! He did the same thing the last two years and won ten games both times. So we blindly trust him. Besides, he got all these new players and we were like “Well, OK. I guess.” You want to release Evan Mathis because he didn’t bow down to kiss your ring? OK. I know I hate it when people don’t blindly trust everything I do. I wouldn’t want him on my team either. Best of luck against the Jets. I’m going to get back in the closet now. Hope meter: 2/10 (and only a 2 because it may only take 7 or 8 wins to win the division).

The Ravens

Ravens

Good golly. Baltimore talk radio was like a suicide prevention hotline this week. Sure, losing to the Raiders is pretty unforgivable since Rich Gannon retired ten years ago, but there is still a lot of meat on the bone. Honestly, that loss to the skeleton of Peyton Manning was probably a harder pill to swallow. Yes, his name is still Peyton Manning and a time machine that doesn’t even go back too far could show you the greatest non-ball-deflating-quarterback of his time, but he is a shell of his former shoulder this year. That drive at the end of the Kansas City game was just a few jump ball ducks to Demaryius Thomas when a pick didn’t really matter. But this is about the Ravens. The Ravens, who no longer have Haloti Ngata or Terrell Suggs or a pass rush, and who face a sackedless and pickless Andy Dalton this week. Yikes! Maybe this is karma for whining so much about the Patriots outsmarting them and conspiring with the Colts to try to take them out. I wonder if Belichick gave Del Rio his Ravens Spygate footage. Hope meter: 4/10 (let’s not completely lose our junk until they’ve lost a home game).

The Colts

Colts

Speaking of the Colts… I didn’t drink that same Andrew Luck Kool-Aid that all the fantasy pundits and talking heads found so refreshing (and by the way, Kool-Aid is really just sugar and water masquerading as a drink). He is a good example of somebody who is good for the league, so the media pumps up his awesomeness (toughness, humility) and ignores his shortcomings (interceptions, sacks). I like the guy and wish him the best. And against the Titans, Jaguars, and Texans, it’s not going to take a Herculean effort to get to the playoffs, but if he keeps getting pummeled like he did against the Jets, we may get the pleasure of seeing Elizabeth Hassellbeck’s brother-in-law get Chuck Pagano fired. Hope meter: 6/10 (they have three division games in a row starting tomorrow – after that, we get to officially hit the panic button).

The Saints

saints

Remember Week One when Jameis Winston’s first pass was a pick six and it didn’t get much better and everybody thought that the Bucs should have gone with Marcus Mariota instead? Well, that same guy looked like Tom Brady against the Saints. Maybe he had a bad game in Week One. Or maybe he did A LOT of film study. Or maybe the Saints defense is made out of paper mache. Either way, the defense was never really an issue in Nawlins, as long as Drew Brees could throw the ball. Which he can’t right now. Hope meter: 7/10 (they still play in the division that Carolina won with a losing record last year – and the Pope is in town. Maybe that will turn things around for them).

The Seahawks

Seahawks

They lost to Aaron Rogers in Green Bay and to their Kryptonite, the St. Louis Rams. And Kam Chancellor finally decided to end his ridiculous holdout and do what he’s getting paid millions of dollars to do in a contract he willingly signed. But that’s a story for another day. AND, the junior varsity Bears are making a well-timed trip out to Seattle this week. Let me tell you what Monday is going to look like. Phrases like “That’s the Seahawks team we all know” and “Kam Chancellor brought the Boom back to that defense” and “back on track” and “Superbowl contenders” will be thrown around on every show. And for good reason. Only with Arizona in their division, they may need to sneak in as a wild card, which means they’ll need to do battle with the likes of the Lions, Giants, and Saints to get into the playoffs. Yeah, they’ll be fine. Hope meter: 9/10 (they’ll probably have to play a Wild Card game at Dallas or Atlanta, but at least they don’t have to see the pesky Malcolm Butler until the Superbowl).

 

 

If you didn’t see the Giants, Bears, Texans, or Lions at 0-2 to start the season, you don’t have much of an imagination. I’m not saying these teams couldn’t also turn it around, but they could also easily lose their next 4 games without anyone noticing. Now if you don’t mind, there’s a closet calling my name.

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Dustin Fisher is a writer, comedian, storyteller, and stay-at-home dad. Follow along with his dad blog at http://daddyneedsanap.com/ or buy his first book, Daddy Issues.

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Dustin Fisher is an amateur standup comedian, storyteller, freelance writer, and stay-at-home dad, all of which are just better ways of saying “unemployed.” He worked in the area of collegiate recreation for the previous 14 years at UMBC, Miami University and the University of Baltimore. There, he became somewhat of a folk legend on the flag football field and actually got paid to play fantasy football. Dustin is currently in the MFA program at the University of Baltimore seeking a Masters degree in Creative Writing. He has made contributions to various publications including The Good Men Project and the Baltimore Fishbowl. For more about Dustin, check out his stay-at-home dad website, Daddy Needs a Nap. Dustin lives with his wife and daughter in New Carrollton, MD in a house surrounded by too many trees to get the Dish Network.

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