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Quick Inside Slant: Week 14

Impressions of the 2015 NFL Season as perceived by a Creative Writing graduate student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend.

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By: Dustin Fisher

If you’re anything like me, two of your three fantasy football teams are already on the golf course and the other one has their clubs in the trunk. I told you last year about the can’t-miss Seven-Step Projected Drop-Off Technique, which guaranteed success in your fantasy draft. Well, this year – and once again too late to really matter – I give you the five fantasy football in-season moves that you probably didn’t think of. These moves will not guarantee you the same success as the Seven-Step thingy, but I can guarantee if you do them, people will hate you. And really, which is better? So here you go, at absolutely no cost to you:

Five fantasy moves you probably didn’t think of with varying degrees of practical application, realistic success rate, and jerkiness

1. During the free agent or waiver period, pick up players for the following week. Click on the Eagles and Saints schedules for the week after this one. Trust me, they’ll still suck then. See if either opposing quarterback, running back, tight end, or any of the wide receivers are available. Then pick them up so you don’t have to fight through the waiver process next week when everybody else all of a sudden wants Jameis Winston. You can drop Tavon Austin. You know you’re never actually going to start him anyway. Notes: Actually not a real jerk move. And kind of practical, unlike the next four.

2. Pick up players with the same name as good players and try to trade them to the stupid people in your league. For example, remember that week that Chris Johnson got hurt and everybody tried to get this new guy named David Johnson or something? Did anybody in your league accidentally pick up the backup tight end on the Chargers who has two targets, zero receptions, and two rushing yards on the season? No? Well take advantage of that and pick up Other David Johnson, then try trade him to the idiot in your league who doesn’t know Arizona from San Diego. I’m sure he’s good for a special teams tackle. Ask for Tavon Austin back. Notes: This is most likely to work if you happen to know that your friend is drunk and at a place where the screen on his or her phone is all fogged up or cracked or something. Low on the Jerk Scale, because your friend deserves it for falling for it.

3. Do you have the reputation as the big jerkhole in your league? No? Well, do this. The week I was supposed to play this one guy in my league with the worst winning percentage in our league history (and probably any league history), his defense was on bye and by Friday, he still hadn’t picked up another defense to start. Now, I didn’t have an extra 17 extra roster spots to pick up the rest of the free agent defenses, if that’s what you think I’m about to say. BUT, I do know that any free agent dropped from a team after the Thursday night game will not clear waivers (at least not in this league) until after Monday night’s game. (You see where this is going yet?) THEN, I proceeded to pick up defense after defense, dropping one to pick up another, until every defense was on waivers and he had no defense to pick up. Then he proceeded to not change his lineup, and started a WR on the Injured Reserve and a RB who had been benched two weeks prior. Turns out he didn’t even notice. But other people did. Which is why I maintained the jerkhole award. The one downside is that you need to give up one roster spot to pull this off. I recommend getting rid of Tavon Austin again. You can pick him back up again once he clears waivers. Note: I didn’t actually do this. I was in a position to do exactly this, but I was afraid my bleeding heart commissioner would get all sympathetic and I’d get that jerkhole award for nothing. This move works best if you have a commissioner without the capacity for compassion.

The Infirmary

The Infirmary

4. Skip this one if you don’t play in a keeper league. Actually, read it anyway. It won’t take that long and you won’t be wondering what it was for the next year and a half or so. In the Yahoo! keeper league I play in, you can store as many players as you want on the IR, as long as they are actually on the IR, which means they won’t take up a roster spot. Once I noticed this, I started going through and collecting everyone on the IR that other people had dropped (Jamaal Charles, Steve Smith Sr, Jimmy Graham, Martellus Bennett, Thomas Rawls) to keep for next year. Once next year’s modified draft rolls around, I’ll have to drop a few extra players because of this, but I can wait until then to make a decision. For example, if Rawls gets the starting job in Seattle, I’d have gotten a surefire keeper for free. Suckers! I have an entire section of my fantasy squad I call the infirmary. Note: This move probably only works with very specific league settings. But if it does for you, it’s like printing your own money.

5. This con probably has the least benefit per amount of work necessary to pull it off for maybe anything you’ve ever done. But if you have one of those tech jobs where you have a lot of down time but want to still give the illusion of working, why not? Create a website that looks real enough for one of the crappier players on your opponent’s team. THETavonAustin11.com and MoncriefAssassin.com are available and only $2.75/month on eHost.com. Then, create a tab labeled “fantasy” at the top. Write something in there that gives a shout out to all the people who picked him up on their fantasy team, along with his fantasy football owner of the week… The Dallas Downward Spirals! (or whatever your opponent’s team name is). How did he get that info? You don’t need to divulge that. How would you know anyway? Who is Donte Moncrief? Is he French? Is he a superhacker? It doesn’t matter, as long as you sell the website well enough. Then the Downward Spirals will have to play him, because you don’t want to piss off a well-connected French superhacker, and you just have to hope he has his typical three receptions for 35 yards rather than the two-TD game Tavon Austin just had. Also, take down the site as soon as the lineups are set so you don’t have Roger Goodell and his lawyers showing up at your house with a cease and desist letter. Note: I had a list of four legitimate moves and felt a list needed at least five items. That’s why you had to sit through this nonsense.

So there you have it. More absolutely useless information, considering the time of the season and the likely success of these suggestions. But at least you didn’t have to read about Greg Hardy. Good luck in your fantasy playoffs! And remember, nobody else cares about it, so please don’t brag or complain on Facebook. Thanks! (No, not even your mom and especially not your girlfriend)

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Dustin Fisher is a writer, comedian, storyteller, and stay-at-home dad. Follow along with his dad blog at http://daddyneedsanap.com/ or buy his first book, Daddy Issues.

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Dustin Fisher is an amateur standup comedian, storyteller, freelance writer, and stay-at-home dad, all of which are just better ways of saying “unemployed.” He worked in the area of collegiate recreation for the previous 14 years at UMBC, Miami University and the University of Baltimore. There, he became somewhat of a folk legend on the flag football field and actually got paid to play fantasy football. Dustin is currently in the MFA program at the University of Baltimore seeking a Masters degree in Creative Writing. He has made contributions to various publications including The Good Men Project and the Baltimore Fishbowl. For more about Dustin, check out his stay-at-home dad website, Daddy Needs a Nap. Dustin lives with his wife and daughter in New Carrollton, MD in a house surrounded by too many trees to get the Dish Network.

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