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Quick Inside Slant: NFC East Preview

Impressions of the 2016 NFL Season as perceived by a Creative Writing graduate student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend.

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By: Dustin Fisher

Funny Story

DeAngelo Hall called me to ask to borrow my tent for the weekend. Apparently he was supposed to go camping at Patapsco State Park and he “forgot my damn tent again, man. Help a brother out.”

He didn’t forget his tent. I saw his eyes light up last year at the Secret Santa Party when I opened the thing. Ain’t my fault Joseph Gordon-Levitt picked my name at random and happens to have a tent hookup while Hall just got another Mr. Beer. “What the heck am I supposed to do with this? I already got two of these things I can’t use.”

I really just wanted to call him on his nonsense and tell him to get his own tent. Besides, I think he borrowed my weed whacker a few years back and lost it. Hall says he never borrowed it but my roommate swears he lent it to him.

“Come on, man. Let me borrow the Taj for the weekend.” If I’m lending him the Taj Mahal for the weekend, I’m going with him. “Dude. You should totally freaking come, man! It’s gonna be classic.” Alright jerk, but you’re driving.

On the way there, he told me we were supposed to meet up with a bunch of dudes and chicks he plays Warcraft with. He was kinda dating this chick Melanie who’s a 7th level wizard and was planning on staying in her tent, but didn’t want to be presumptuous and show up without one.

Good idea, dude. And what the heck do you mean by kinda dating? “We’re just kinda dating, man.” So like, would you get upset if she went out with somebody else? “Well, yeah.” And would she get upset if you went out with someone else? “Gosh, I hope not.” Awesome. Freaking classic Hall, man.

We got there and it was like 10 dudes and Melanie and her roommate. “Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” It’s cool man.

He was crushing on Melanie pretty hard around the campfire. But he was also playing a good wing man and trying to play me up to her roommate. He talked about my hole-in-one and laughed at all my stupid comments, saying “This guy!” It didn’t work but it made me feel wanted. Special. You’re alright dude.

He went to the Taj to watch Harry Potter on his laptop with Mel. Dude brings a DVD player camping but can’t be bothered with a tent. Mel’s roommate and some dude they call Crotch Rocket join them after about 10 minutes. As I’m sitting outside trying to figure out where I’m gonna sleep, I can hear him laughing, going “This guy!” I find a ride home with one of the other Warcrafters and text the tent-stealing jerk on the way.

The doorbell rings the next morning. I open it to see his car driving off. The tent is on the front porch with a note that says “Sorry dude. I hope this helps. And I still owe you one.” There’s an arrow that points to the right. Leaning up against the garage is a new weed whacker with a bow on it. I can’t help but smile a little bit. Freaking classic Hall, man.

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Dustin Fisher is a writer, comedian, storyteller, and stay-at-home dad. Follow along with his dad blog at http://daddyneedsanap.com/ or buy his first book, Daddy Issues.

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Dustin Fisher is an amateur standup comedian, storyteller, freelance writer, and stay-at-home dad, all of which are just better ways of saying “unemployed.” He worked in the area of collegiate recreation for the previous 14 years at UMBC, Miami University and the University of Baltimore. There, he became somewhat of a folk legend on the flag football field and actually got paid to play fantasy football. Dustin is currently in the MFA program at the University of Baltimore seeking a Masters degree in Creative Writing. He has made contributions to various publications including The Good Men Project and the Baltimore Fishbowl. For more about Dustin, check out his stay-at-home dad website, Daddy Needs a Nap. Dustin lives with his wife and daughter in New Carrollton, MD in a house surrounded by too many trees to get the Dish Network.

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