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Quick Inside Slant: Week 2

Impressions of the 2016 NFL Season as perceived by a Creative Writing graduate student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend.

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By: Dustin Fisher

josh-mccown

It’s only two weeks into the season and I’m super excited already. And not just because the Eagles are 2-0, but because I’ve moved up to 7th on the depth chart for the Browns’ quarterback.

What Can Brown Do For You?

The Browns are about to start their fifth quarterback in their last five games. The last team to do that was an intramural football team named Balls Deep from UMBC, and they didn’t win any of their games either. Five quarterbacks is the maximum number you can start in five games. I don’t know if the NFL has those 10-day contracts the NBA has, but that sounds like a win-win to me. Well, nothing sounds like a win in Cleveland now. It’s possible the Cavs and the Indians have eaten too far into the karma of that city, deeming the Browns to be the second ever 0-16 team. I bet Dan Orlovsky finds his way onto this roster before the end of the season.

They apparently didn’t even play that poorly last week against the Ravens. I don’t really know because I watched them play the Eagles in Week One and I don’t think anyone should have to watch the Browns play two weeks in a row. And speaking of prior (nice segue!), they had a realistic chance to win the game at the end, but karma decided to throw a taunting flag because Terrelle Pryor – who, mind you, has had his share of problems after the whistle – didn’t place the ball in the waiting hands of the official, congratulating him on such a wonderful spot. The ball seemed to the rest of the world outside of central Maryland to have accidentally grazed the shoulder of Ravens defensive back, Lardarius Webb. Apparently, this is taunting in the new NFL. I remember watching Deion Sanders begin to dance during an interception, and continued to dance all the way into the end zone and the press conference and well into the following Tuesday afternoon. Today, that would get him at least 135 yards of penalties.

Getting back to my point, the Browns are definitely destined to lose this season. Forces we humans don’t yet understand are working against them. I actually thought they had a better chance once RG3 went down and Josh McCown stepped in. But not Cody Kessler. Or Brandon Weeden, who will inevitably show up again. You know who would give them a decent chance to win? Carson Wentz. But the Browns went and Browned up the draft yet again, trading that second overall pick for a bunch of draft picks they’ll just turn into the next Trent Richardson and Johnny Currently-Out-Of-Football. After all, they already had a second overall pick at quarterback who was a proven winner. And then a proven bust. And then a proven cancer to a team’s morale. He’ll fit right in on this squad.

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Dustin Fisher is a writer, comedian, storyteller, and stay-at-home dad. Follow along with his dad blog at http://daddyneedsanap.com/ or buy his first book, Daddy Issues.

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Dustin Fisher is an amateur standup comedian, storyteller, freelance writer, and stay-at-home dad, all of which are just better ways of saying “unemployed.” He worked in the area of collegiate recreation for the previous 14 years at UMBC, Miami University and the University of Baltimore. There, he became somewhat of a folk legend on the flag football field and actually got paid to play fantasy football. Dustin is currently in the MFA program at the University of Baltimore seeking a Masters degree in Creative Writing. He has made contributions to various publications including The Good Men Project and the Baltimore Fishbowl. For more about Dustin, check out his stay-at-home dad website, Daddy Needs a Nap. Dustin lives with his wife and daughter in New Carrollton, MD in a house surrounded by too many trees to get the Dish Network.

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